And make no mistake: The Aztek is not cool. It was and shall remain an irredeemable shit heap. It was the antithesis of cool from the start. Pontiac introduced the production Aztek at the 2000 Detroit auto show. For its press conference, the company hired locals to stand around in a mock mosh pit. Some wore rainbow wigs, some carried signs reading, “It’s The Versatility, Baby!” and “Aztek 185 hp”—you know, just what you’d see in a mosh pit. At the end of the presentation, the Aztek’s head marketing man, Don Butler, jumped into the pit and crowd surfed. This all actually happened in the real world. The Aztek, a blatant minivan-in-drag monstrosity, sat on stage looking like a sad, fat man who’d had his nose cut off. It’s so powerfully ugly that a blobfish wouldn’t be seen next to it. If you saw something that looked like the Aztek scurry out from behind your fridge, you might have difficulty deciding whether to kill it or kill yourself. After all, if you kill it, you’ll still have to live with the knowledge that it existed in the first place. If the infant Aztek were abandoned on a mountainside, it would eventually come crawling back to civilization because even the vultures and ants wouldn’t touch it.
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