Chevrolet, a large and well-respected automotive brand founded in 1911, took the opportunity today to publish a press release written entirely in emoji, the inscrutable digital hieroglyphs central to preteen electronic communications. Here’s what we think it means.
“Words alone can’t describe the new 2016 Chevrolet Cruze,” the automaker states in conventional, written English, before launching into a pagelong cascade of the “small emotionally expressive digital images and icons in electronic communication.” As one of Car and Driver‘s resident millennials, I was nominated to attempt to translate this missive into something recognizable. Let’s take this section by section:
News: 2015, minus six, minus 22, equals a misunderstood romance between a tiny blue vehicle and a person whose head is entirely too large to occupy said vehicle.
If you’re cruising around listening to music in the big city, stop doing so. —Day and night and day and night, 11 o’clock is when the play debuts, about A NEW tiny blue vehicle and a baby chick suffering from cardiomegaly, or enlarged heart disease. Flip your phone upside-down, make sure your bowling pins are perfectly vertical, and fill up your basketball, football, soccer ball, baseball, tennis ball, and your bike-commuting neighbor Todd with gasoline. Fonzie says, “Ayyyyy!” about this NEW bread recipe made from dresses, shoes, lipstick, and the creepy twins from The Shining, but your kids won’t notice because they’re always texting. If a tiny blue car could wear a shirt and tie and grow a mustache like you had in college, it would say “give me a new headlight bulb and light up my world.”
Right angle: The 2016 Chevy Cruze wins the heartthrob trophy for strongest balls.
For the best signal, carrying seven smartphones is cool, but the number one students all carry 100. The tiny blue car’s cardiomegaly may be related to smartphone use. That cut-rate cubic zirconium isn’t fooling anybody, pal, and I’m going to post about it on the internet and maybe write a song, too.
You have no idea who the last person was that sat in your airline seat. Bring hand sanitizer.
The chemical formula for gasoline is: 2015 parts something to 35 parts something else, divided by the Golden Gate Bridge. 2016 is the year of more thumbs up and clapping! How many hours have you spent procrastinating? That financial report was due on the 15th, you dingus.
Weather alert: Cloudy, with a high chance of luggage precipitation. The stars will be on both the left and right sides tonight.
In the near future, we will refer to cars as “carnations.”
The 2016 Chevy Cruze weighs as much as three earths.
The tiny blue car drove day and night, from the coast to the mountaintops, through rain and shine, so it could see the sun set over San Francisco Bay! Using your cellphone while filling your gas tank is a roller-coaster ride you’ll love; it’s 100-percent not a fire hazard, we checked.
SCAVENGER HUNT: See if you can find 1911 red lollipops in Motor City before the music stops. Chevy has perfected the process of making cars weigh as much as three earths. Chevy made a new flavor of gasoline you’ll absolutely love, HIGH FIVE.
Email Annalisa Bluhm at Chevrolet, or ask your kids how you can fax a FaceTweet InstaSnap to Chevrolet (your kids will just roll their eyes, however). Your foot tattoo that says “#ChevyGoesEmoji” will be a hit at this week’s book club.
End.
Chevy says its emoji anthropologists are hard at work generating an official translation of this mysterious missive from Millennial Island. The decoded message will be posted on Chevy’s website at 2 p.m. Eastern on June 23. But why bother? Clearly, we already know what it says.
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