And you’d think you could get where you’re going extra quickly in a cop car, but it’s actually the opposite. Everyone gets so wigged out when they see Darth Charger that they slow way down, turning you into the grand marshal of a never-ending parade. On that front, I have one major piece of advice for the motoring public: Don’t act guilty. Because when a cop rolls up behind you in a 35-mph zone and you immediately slow to 27 mph, that does not tell him that you’re a conscientious driver. It tells him that there’s something in your pocket that you’re suddenly very nervous about. Whatever that thing is—a stolen derringer, half-empty nips of homemade Fireball, tropical frogs—he’s now certain it’s there. Just drive 5 mph over the limit and you won’t even be noticed. Stay cool, man, is what I’m saying.
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