Now that those who were imprinted by Group B cars as children have reached their prime earning years, Audi has smartly returned the departed TT RS to us and deigned to send along the RS3. Equipped with 400-hp turbocharged five-cylinder engines, just like Michèle Mouton used to run—only less laggy, more efficient, and featuring the aid of modern traction and stability control, therefore perhaps less likely to hurl an enthusiastic motorist off the side of a mountain. And unlike the 302-hp Sport Quattro of the 1980s, the new MQB-based RS siblings won’t cost as much as a single-family home. At least, not any sort of single-family home you’d actually want to reside in.
The TT RS starts at $65,875, which is expensive when you consider that it shares its bones with your neighbor Herff’s Volkswagen Golf Alltrack, but the sum begins to sound reasonable when you note that it’s got one more cylinder than corporate sibling Porsche’s 718 Cayman S, makes 50 more horsepower, and costs $1475 less. For your money, Audi gives you 19-inch wheels, a leather/imitation suede multifunction steering wheel, nappa leather, and eight-way power sport seats. The RS also features LED headlights and the customary fixed rear spoiler.
Options include 20-inch wheels, carbon-ceramic front disc brakes, Audi’s Black Optic package that darkens the brightwork, an interior with red diamond-pattern stitching and RS-emblazoned floor mats, a Bang & Olufsen sound system, the MMI Navigation Plus infotainment system, Audi Connect 4G LTE connectivity with Siri Eyes Free functionality, and a smartphone interface with Apple CarPlay and Android Auto integration. Herff, of course, will just think you put fancy pipes and a body kit on a TT, but what does Herff know? Herff’s really into his inflatable hot tub.
But if you’d really like to confuse Herff, buy a new RS3 and leave his weak-tea decals flapping in the breeze. Available for the first time on our shores, the screamin’ sedan features the same five-pot honker as the TT RS, but it features four doors and a back seat usable by human beings with intact lower limbs. Starting at $55,450 for 2017 models and rising to $55,875 for the 2018 version, the sedan’s styling mines a similarly aggressive vein as the TT’s but features a slightly amended list of options. Fret not, for you can still opt for the carbon-ceramic front rotors, Fireball Roberts.
If you’re in the market for one of the first RS3s off the boat, your options are already chosen for you. All 2017 models will have carbon-fiber inlays, a Bang & Olufsen sound system, 19-inch five-spoke wheels with a titanium finish, MMI Navigation Plus, red brake calipers, and a black-tipped RS sport exhaust. And no, Herff did not just cruise past, bumping Devo’s “Freedom of Choice.” You’re hearing things, man. You’ve got the five-cylinder fever. You’ve got it bad.
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